The (Un)Real Interview: Eden Hazard attacks Sarriball and hints at Real Madrid move

Eden Hazard criticises Maurizio Sarri and the Sarriball, and drops hints over his Real Madrid move as we talk to him.

Manchester City registered an emphatic 6-0 win over Chelsea in the Premier League earlier today.

Sergio Aguero scored a hattrick in the game as Chelsea’s defence was reduced to shambles by the Manchester City attackers. Guardiola’s side regained their position at the top of the table with the win, while Chelsea have slipped to sixth.

The Blues are a point behind the fourth-placed Manchester United, and we talked to Eden Hazard after the game.

Hi, Eden. How are you?

Great. We won the Madrid derby!

Umm, sorry?

Naah, I mean.. yeah. It was a tough game. Man City played great.

How do you reflect on that performance?

I believe that very game is a marker of where you stand. Every game widens your perception and realizations. Obviously, we didn’t perform well, but the same philosophy goes with this game as well.

So what did you realize?

I realized that I need to learn Spanish rather quickly.

Sorry again, Eden?

They speak Spanish in Argentina, no. I want to communicate better with Higuain.

Right. How did Sarri react to your performance?

He didn’t say a word in the dressing room and kept us waiting for almost an hour.

.. and then?

Azpi said “Boss it’s 7 we should leave for London now.” He simply asked, “Jesus who scored the seventh now?”

Poor guy.

Naah he took a drag and lost sense of time. Happens.

What do you think about the Sarriball?

Sorry?

I said, what do you think about the Sarriball?

I’ve answered your question.

Please elaborate.

We have a session during the training where everyone only passes to me and starts praying to god. That is Sarriball.

Looks like you’re quite critical of this style of play, Eden.

Well, to quote a long lost love, ‘I prefer not to speak. If I speak, I’m in trouble.’

Anyway, what do you think about the top four now?

I think it is achievable. All we need is defenders who can defend more efficiently than the people who defend them.

Witty.

Unlike Marcus Alonso, yeah.

You will play Manchester City again in a few days..

It’s great, actually. I’ll be sharing the pitch with good footballers again. It’s a good feeling to have.

How do you intend to recover from a defeat like this?

I’m searching for a new home in Madrid. For Thibaut, obviously. So yeah, that will keep me occupied for some time.

You face Manchester United in the FA Cup game next week. How will you prepare for it?

It’s going to be another difficult game. But before that, we have a Europa League game coming up. I should check the flight for Thursday..

Doesn’t the team travel together?

I’m not going to Malmo.

(This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the autor’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner.)