Romelu Lukaku’s brain shrinks; Club invents machine to grow it back

Romelu Lukaku’s brain shrinks: Sources close to the club have revealed that the striker’s brain is shrinking and the club intends to grow it back.

Manchester United’s striker Romelu Lukaku is yet to find his goal-scoring form, which has caused significant worry to Jose Mourinho. In one game this season, Lukaku missed an open goal. In another, he nutmegged himself.

The manager took the matter in his own hands and decided to conduct a secret test on Lukaku while he was asleep. The test took place while he was playing against Chelsea yesterday.

It was found out that the striker’s brain is shrinking.

“I took help from our club’s official hospital sponsors to conduct this test on Lukaku,” said Jose Mourinho.

“It was a very serious case. I didn’t see a brain so small since I last interacted with a Chelsea fan,” the Manchester United manager said.

“We’ve now realized why Lukaku’s weight is growing every day. The weight is being transferred. We intend to end this immediately and grow his brain” he said.

With the help of the sponsors, Manchester United has now invented a machine which would help grow his brain back.

“We all want Romelu’s brain to come back to normal. It is a very strategically made machine, especially for Rom,” Mourinho said, explaining how the machine would work.

“The machine is in the shape of a bean-bag, so it could fit Lukaku’s head perfectly. Whenever he thinks of a stupid decision, the machine would alert his brain and Lukaku would then see the videos of his performances for Belgium,” Mourinho explained.

“This would result in Lukaku taking the correct decision. Every good move would increase his brain size by 1%,” Mourinho added.

It is expected that by the time Manchester United meets Juventus, Lukaku’s brain size would’ve increased by at least 20%.

“It is a tedious process. Like expecting Chelsea fans to be classy. You really need to wait a long time for that to happen,” Mourinho said.

(This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner.)